Meet Stephen Crist*

Sometimes things move very quickly in our home - Stephen was a recent example of this.  In July we received a phone call to give a referral for our friends to host an international student from China.  During this brief phone call, we learned that there were other students needing homes.  For the past two years our boys have shared a bedroom to allow our third bedroom to be for guests.  Having a spare room has been convenient at times, but for the most part it has been empty.  We had offered several times for the room to be used by a "homeless youth" through a program called Roadmap to Graduation but we were never called.  Finding out we were pregnant last winter also made us think that the room would be a nursery and we started to use it to store the things we had collected for the baby.  After our miscarriage, the guest room sat empty once again. 

After talking to the director of international students at Lenawee Christian regarding our friends' referral, we decided to apply.  Within a week we were selected and Stephen, our son ;), moved in just 1 week later.  Stephen is wonderful!  He is 16 years old and from the Northern region of China called Tianjin.  Stephen is a diligent student as well as a gentleman.  He is a great fit for our family and we absolutely love him!!!  He is kind, patient and a bit protective of Kadan and Jaxan - they adore him too.  Jaxan loves to sit with Stephen and play Chinese videogames and Kadan likes to watch America's Funniest Home Videos with him. 

During our grief in the Spring from the loss of Deakan I NEVER would have guessed that there was a 'Stephen' in our future.  God is full of surprises because of His great love for us!  I am thankful for a God that cares so deeply about us and fills our life with blessings at every turn.

'Emotional Control'

Since becoming a mommy, I've been told a few times that I have good 'emotional control'.  Most recently my friend Olivia said this to me during our playgroup.  I help facilitate our playgroup by running our circle time.  Usually Kadan and Jaxan want to climb on me and interrupt me while I am teaching the lesson.  Its funny to me that they do this, because its a reminder to me that generally they have my full attention and they like it that way.  Its also a good chance for me to teach them to wait, to be polite and respect their teacher if it happens to be mom.  Olivia is a very sweet woman, in fact she is stored in my phone as Sweet Olivia!  Her comment struck me though and although I was thankful for a compliment (especially about parenting) I kept thinking about the phrase 'emotional control'.

We lost our son to miscarriage about 6 weeks ago and so I guess its fair to say that I am still grieving.  I miss knowing that he is safely tucked in my womb and growing each day.  And I especially am saddened at the thought of not holding him and watching him grow.  I have an ultrasound picture in our bedroom that is so bittersweet.  Its a keepsake that I treasure so much and yet every time I glimpse at it, my heart stings.  I honestly can feel this pressure in my chest when I think about him.  These emotions can feel like assailants. 

Through this loss, I have come to realize that we actually have no control, absolutely none, over our emotions.  Sometimes sadness just creeps into my day and at other times I am irritated that women can have babies every day and not really treasure them.  When we first lost our baby, a couple dear friends came to visit me every day.  They came the night before my D&C to remove the baby and came the night of the D&C, and again the next day and next.  To be honest, I was so overwhelmed by our loss and the truly horrible process that I was just so thankful to have relief from thinking about it.  While they visited I remember feeling full of joy and even laughed quite a bit with them.  Joy and laughter were certainly not expected, but it was welcomed.  But then just a week later I was totally overwhelmed with sadness that I came home early from an appointment and fell into Dans arms crying.

So do I have emotional control?  I don't think so, but I can control my reactions to them.  God's Word gives us insight to this.  We can respond with peace, patience, kindness, goodness and self-control because the Spirit of God, in fact the breath of God (Pneuma) is available to us always if we choose to love Jesus.  I am so thankful for this truth because emotions, both good and bad, fill our days and yet with the Spirits help, I can choose to control them.  Love to you my friend!

We named him Deakan Jesse.

It was just two days after Thanksgiving that Dan and I had the awesome privilege of taking the boys to Disney World.  We met a friend at the gate that gave us her employee passes for the day, and minutes later we began to make memories that I hope our family will never forget.  We went directly to Fantasy Land in search of the Beast's castle.  My boys both LOVE the movie Beauty and the Beast, and Disney World happens to have the 'real' castle.  Along the way we stopped to ride Dumbo and few other attractions, but for the most part we were moving directly toward finding the castle and most of all Belle.  The Beast's castle is amazing, in fact it is also a restaurant so we 'tried the gray stuff, its delicious!'  Following a very overpriced lunch we walked next door to Belle's cottage, also adorable, but before long we walked through the door and there was Belle!  The boys really love Belle and they were absolutely in awe of her.  She took the boys on a tour of her cottage and before we had finished she bent down, holding my lovestruck boys hands and talked with them for a few minutes.  While all of this was unfolding, I was sitting next to Dan (who was videotaping) with tears streaming down my face.  Dan was shocked by my unrestrained emotion and said 'What's wrong with you???'  I could barely speak, but I managed to say "its just so beautiful, the boys dream is coming true!"  Dan, who was now laughing at me responded "you must be pregnant!"  I started laughing, partly because my complete overreaction to Belle was just funny, but also because he had just said out loud what I too was thinking.  So after a really great day in the Magic Kingdom, we stopped by Target on the way home and bought a pregnancy test, actually 2.  I took one test right before bed and was so happy to see the faintest pink line imaginable.  Dan could not see the line, but I could see it for sure.  The next morning I took the second test and this time we both could see 2 pink lines - we were pregnant!!!

We celebrated that day by going out to dinner with the boys, although we kept our secret from them.  In 'parent code' we started to talk about names for this amazing gift that God had given us.  The girl name was easy since we had chosen it in high school and had never used it, but another boy name would be a little tougher.  But before long we remembered a little boy named Deacon, who had tragically lost his life at a church outreach event.  Deacon's parents had planted a church in Ohio named Scarlet City.  During one of the churches outreach events Deacon was hit by a car that was leaving the event, he was just 2 years old, and passed away.  Deacon's story resignated with us because at the time Kadan was also two.  How easily could this have been us?  So in an effort to honor this precious boy, we too would have a Deacon, just would spell it a bit different.  And for the middle name we wavered a bit more between Judah and Jesse.  But from the very first day our baby would be called Baby DJ.  Our girl name also had the initials D.J.

We kept this exciting news between ourselves for as long as possible, until a few of my symptoms forced us to tell a couple people.  But for the rest of our friends and family we waited until we were 15 weeks along to share our great news.  Kadan and Jaxan were truly ecstatic, they told us they couldn't wait to hold their new baby!  Jaxan was so proud of his big brother t-shirt and Kadan was busy trying to decide if this baby was a boy or girl.  Dan and I too were just so happy!  We had been praying for guidance since September regarding our family, our desire for more children and the tough choice of adoption verses another biological child.  Jesus answered our prayers and Proverbs 127:3 was reminding us daily of what an awesome gift children are.  On a personal note, I was so overwhelmed by Gods love for me, because only He knew how much I longed for another baby.

February 20th was an unusual day because I attended a Women's Breakfast with a couple of friends of mine.  I had been asked to speak at this conference in place of the amazing Sister (Audrey) Clay.  I am not a speaker at all, but I have also made a decision to obey whatever God asks of me.  The message that Jesus had laid heavy on my heart was simple - if we REALLY love Jesus, then His word tells us to obey him, even the toughest scriptures.  I talked about how at times it is easy to ignore verses like Philippians 4:4 'Rejoice ALWAYS' and Ephesians 5:20 'Give thanks for ALL things, at ALL times'.  I challenged these precious women to join me during Lent to search God's word to remind ourselves of His commands and then to radically obey.  It was a nice morning.

Later that same day, I went for my 18 week appointment with our OB.  I was alone, Dan was very sick, so he stayed with the boys.  Dan had never missed an OB appointment with either Kadan or Jaxan.  I was fine going by myself and honestly thankful that we didn't have to find a sitter.  The nurse began the appointment as usual asking a ton of questions and then listening for the baby's heartbeat.  She had trouble finding it, but said that sometimes the babies can be hiding.  The doctor came in shortly after and said he wanted to listen to the heartbeat before he started the exam.  He went through the same messy steps of lubricating my belly and using the doppler to probe for a heartbeat.  This was my first inclination that something might be wrong.  He asked me to follow him across the hall for an ultrasound.  The Spirit of God began to prepare me during the 30 second walk across the hall.  I remember that my heart was racing, but I remained calm.  In minutes the warm lubricant was smeared on again and then the day changed completely.  The doctor and nurse were silent.  They both just stared at the screen.  I knew exactly what was happening.  I remember longing for Dan and hoping he would walk in the room before either of them spoke.  But the doctor finally began to speak and stutter over his words.  He was trying to tell me that our baby had died, but he was taking so long to say it.  I interrupted him and said, 'Its ok I understand.'  Then he began to rattle off some statistics and talk about my pending miscarriage.  He believed that our baby must have passed away within a few days because my body had not responded yet.  I also confirmed that our baby must have passed away just days prior because I was feeling kicks pretty regularly.  In typical Kayla-fashion, I was busy consoling him and trying so hard to help him not feel bad for delivering such bad news.

I left the office headed for the hospital to do a final ultrasound (which is just a formality).  On the way I called Dan and through my first round of tears I gave him the worst news I have ever spoken to him.  He was so shocked and he kept saying 'What? Are you ok?'  At the hospital I asked the tech if she could print a picture for me before she finished.  She hesitated and asked if I was sure I wanted one.  She didn't understand that this would be my one and only chance to have a picture of our baby.  And with this treasured picture I drove home.

The next couple days were the hardest of my life and grief has a way of causing life to stop.  It also has a way of completely overwhelming you.  At one point I was trying to walk upstairs, half way up I couldn't move and just cried and cried and cried.  Realizing that I would never hold our baby was paralyzing me.  But grief also has a way of attacking and then releasing us.  I have learned to just let the emotions come and before long new emotions usher them out.  This has been comforting to me, because I really don't like to feel sad.  Two days after we learned that Deakan had no heartbeat, I went back to the hospital for a D & C to remove the baby.  To be honest, this was the hardest day of my life and I can't talk about it yet.  Its just a very difficult experience to enter a hospital carrying your child and leave the hospital with an empty womb.  I know that Jesus will heal this part of my story, just as He has so many other parts of my life, so in the meantime I will just choose not to dwell on the tough memories.

Now, its been 3 weeks and I am so thankful for that.  Everyday has felt like a blessing because I am moving further and further away from February 20-22, 2013.  When I allow myself to think back on those horrible days, the emotions can come flooding back and my heart aches so badly.  Certainly, I am still sad, in fact really really sad, but I am also so thankful for my children and trying to focus on the family before me.  At times I feel really alone in my sadness.  Dan is also grieving, but his grief looks different than mine.  And all the time there is a deep longing to hold this little boy.

Despite my heartache there have been Jesus-sightings in my life the past few weeks.  Jesus has been reminding me that ALL IS GRACE and its only by grace that we can even take our next breath.  And with that truth I am so thankful that He blessed us with two amazing little boys already.  He has also reminded me that just like He was 'attended by angels' after He was tempted by Satan, we too have been attended to by the amazing people that have lived out Col.1:27.

So how am I?  I really am ok.  I really have felt the love of Jesus through his people.  I am really thankful and plan to stay that way.  And I also trust that the comforting Spirit of God will continue to heal my heart.  Ultimately I am hopeful that Jesus will use this to fulfill Romans 8:28,29 to make me more like Him which is good despite this hard chapter.

And finally, back to our baby boys name.  I want to share that precious ultrasound picture with you.  Some people say that they knew there child's name when they saw them for the first time.  Deakan means servant and Jesse was King David's father.  In the picture that the ultrasound tech gave us, Deakan appears to resting his head on his hands and his legs are folded underneath his body.  He looks peaceful, but he also looks like he understands his position before God, a position of humbleness and reverence.  When we look at this picture we see a servant leader that is praying before his Creator.  We see a Deakan Jesse, who we long for and love and will always remember as our little boy who lives with Jesus.

1 in 3,000,000,000

1 in 3,000,000,000...

Have you ever asked the question, I wonder how many people exist with me on this planet we know as earth?  My assumption is that most have. Recently I was blown away again by this figure, but this time it took on an entire new meaning to me.
As it stands today, the estimated population of the world is 6,973,738,433 people. I was fascinated by this number one evening as I was enjoying a wonderful dinner and conversation with my beautiful wife. I was perplexed by the seemingly endless number of different ways my life could have unfolded. Therefore, being a numbers and statistics geek, I began doing a little research.  But first, a story…
It was a cool fall evening in Jackson, Michigan on September 24th, 2000. We (Kayla & I) were at a YMCA camp named Camp Storer for a Young Life leader’s weekend. This place had a multitude of life altering memories for us, as this was the camp we came to as campers in high school for Young Life's fall weekend. During our first fall weekend here we found ourselves one evening after the 20 minutes, out on the soccer field sitting on a tire together that was left from a game of steal the bacon earlier in the day. On this tire we cried together for the first time, we shared deep wounds and hurts from our childhood, we mutter those three beautiful words to each other 'I love you', and for the first time - we talked about Jesus together!  Years later we would be leading Blissfield's club together, taking hundreds of students back to the same camp and taking with them for the first time about Jesus!
Because this little plot of land in the wood felt like holy ground to us & we were with some of the most important people in our life - our fellow YL leaders (I also invited our family and some close friends), I could not think of a better place to ask my girlfriend of almost seven years to be my wife!  So late that evening, after our last session, one of our YL friends from the area took Kayla out on a walk...little did she know it would be her last 30 minutes as a truly 'single' lady.
During this time my friends and co-leaders worked diligently with me to set up that same tire in the middle of that same field...with a dozen red roses and spot light on it of course. My old YL leader staked out in the bushes with the camcorder and all the others waited quietly in the club run. As Kayla returned from her walk, I was quick to meet them before they entered the club room to see all our closest friends and family gathered. I asked her if she would mind taking a short walk with now, and I still remember my heart skipping a beat as she replied, 'yes!'
As we walked towards the field, I could feel my heart pounding...it was as if she could feel my pulse through my hand as she held onto it. We walked and talked about all God had done in both of our lives, individually and together. I began reminiscing about that first fall weekend...our tears we shed, the newness of our prayer together and all God had led us through since. Then as we rounded the corner of the line of trees, there it was…the tire and roses, what would she say?
'What is that?!'  These where the first words, as I remember. I encouraged her to go and check it out, she did, and I followed. When we came to a stop at the tire, I gave her a massive hug...mostly due to the fact that I thought my knees were going to give out!  After me stumbling over a few sentences that I am sure made no sense what-so-ever, I positioned myself on one knee, pulled out the ring and asked, 'Kayla, will you marry me!?'
As I watched tears start making their way down her cold red cheeks, I heard one of the best and most life giving words ever...'Yes!'  I jumped to my feet and lifted her off the ground, as my old YL leader dashed out of the bushes and took the video to be cued up in the club room. After one of the deepest embraces of my entire life, I asked if it would be okay to celebrate together, she was confused to say the least. We made our way back to the club room, opening the door, a massive applause erupted from our friends, family and fellow YL leaders!
After a few minutes of pulling ourselves together and being flooded with hugs, kisses and congrats, we all sat down on the floor as the lights dimmed.  Right then, on the big screen, was Kayla and I – everyone was able to watch as I stumbled over my words, got down on a knee, and asked Kayla to be my wife!  It was awesome.  Then the lights came rose to a soft glow while our good friend and mentor, Jeremy Pietrocini, grabbed his guitar.  We finished out the night singing worship songs together and Jeremy closed with a prayer for us…what a night!  One that will forever be etched into my heart, soul and mind.
Okay, so what about those ‘stats’ I mentioned at the beginning?  What do they have to do with any of this?  Well, that evening after our dinner together, I did some research and found out that in the year 2000 (when I asked Kayla to marry me) the world population was 6,082,966,429.  And the percentage of males to females was 51% to 49%.  Meaning this…in the year that I asked Kayla to be my wife, I had a 1 in 2,980,653,550 choice of who would be my wife!
And now, 11 years of marriage later, I am even more convinced than I was on that cool fall night – that I made the absolute BEST choice!  People say that ‘hindsight is 20/20’, and it usually is.  However, I would say walking in the foresight of God through the Holy Spirit and the grace of Jesus, is 20/0…absolute perfect, holy, and divine vision (study what the vision ratio means J)!
So, to my amazing bride, here’s to the journey that God set before us on that amazing fall night in 2000.  Thank you for saying yes and thank you for continuing to say yes each and every morning!  God allowed me to choose you…1 out of 3,000,000,000 and I’d never want to choose anyone different. 
I love you Kayla Crist! 
-Dan
*John 10:10*