Since becoming a mommy, I've been told a few times that I have good 'emotional control'. Most recently my friend Olivia said this to me during our playgroup. I help facilitate our playgroup by running our circle time. Usually Kadan and Jaxan want to climb on me and interrupt me while I am teaching the lesson. Its funny to me that they do this, because its a reminder to me that generally they have my full attention and they like it that way. Its also a good chance for me to teach them to wait, to be polite and respect their teacher if it happens to be mom. Olivia is a very sweet woman, in fact she is stored in my phone as Sweet Olivia! Her comment struck me though and although I was thankful for a compliment (especially about parenting) I kept thinking about the phrase 'emotional control'.
We lost our son to miscarriage about 6 weeks ago and so I guess its fair to say that I am still grieving. I miss knowing that he is safely tucked in my womb and growing each day. And I especially am saddened at the thought of not holding him and watching him grow. I have an ultrasound picture in our bedroom that is so bittersweet. Its a keepsake that I treasure so much and yet every time I glimpse at it, my heart stings. I honestly can feel this pressure in my chest when I think about him. These emotions can feel like assailants.
Through this loss, I have come to realize that we actually have no control, absolutely none, over our emotions. Sometimes sadness just creeps into my day and at other times I am irritated that women can have babies every day and not really treasure them. When we first lost our baby, a couple dear friends came to visit me every day. They came the night before my D&C to remove the baby and came the night of the D&C, and again the next day and next. To be honest, I was so overwhelmed by our loss and the truly horrible process that I was just so thankful to have relief from thinking about it. While they visited I remember feeling full of joy and even laughed quite a bit with them. Joy and laughter were certainly not expected, but it was welcomed. But then just a week later I was totally overwhelmed with sadness that I came home early from an appointment and fell into Dans arms crying.
So do I have emotional control? I don't think so, but I can control my reactions to them. God's Word gives us insight to this. We can respond with peace, patience, kindness, goodness and self-control because the Spirit of God, in fact the breath of God (Pneuma) is available to us always if we choose to love Jesus. I am so thankful for this truth because emotions, both good and bad, fill our days and yet with the Spirits help, I can choose to control them. Love to you my friend!
