We named him Deakan Jesse.

It was just two days after Thanksgiving that Dan and I had the awesome privilege of taking the boys to Disney World.  We met a friend at the gate that gave us her employee passes for the day, and minutes later we began to make memories that I hope our family will never forget.  We went directly to Fantasy Land in search of the Beast's castle.  My boys both LOVE the movie Beauty and the Beast, and Disney World happens to have the 'real' castle.  Along the way we stopped to ride Dumbo and few other attractions, but for the most part we were moving directly toward finding the castle and most of all Belle.  The Beast's castle is amazing, in fact it is also a restaurant so we 'tried the gray stuff, its delicious!'  Following a very overpriced lunch we walked next door to Belle's cottage, also adorable, but before long we walked through the door and there was Belle!  The boys really love Belle and they were absolutely in awe of her.  She took the boys on a tour of her cottage and before we had finished she bent down, holding my lovestruck boys hands and talked with them for a few minutes.  While all of this was unfolding, I was sitting next to Dan (who was videotaping) with tears streaming down my face.  Dan was shocked by my unrestrained emotion and said 'What's wrong with you???'  I could barely speak, but I managed to say "its just so beautiful, the boys dream is coming true!"  Dan, who was now laughing at me responded "you must be pregnant!"  I started laughing, partly because my complete overreaction to Belle was just funny, but also because he had just said out loud what I too was thinking.  So after a really great day in the Magic Kingdom, we stopped by Target on the way home and bought a pregnancy test, actually 2.  I took one test right before bed and was so happy to see the faintest pink line imaginable.  Dan could not see the line, but I could see it for sure.  The next morning I took the second test and this time we both could see 2 pink lines - we were pregnant!!!

We celebrated that day by going out to dinner with the boys, although we kept our secret from them.  In 'parent code' we started to talk about names for this amazing gift that God had given us.  The girl name was easy since we had chosen it in high school and had never used it, but another boy name would be a little tougher.  But before long we remembered a little boy named Deacon, who had tragically lost his life at a church outreach event.  Deacon's parents had planted a church in Ohio named Scarlet City.  During one of the churches outreach events Deacon was hit by a car that was leaving the event, he was just 2 years old, and passed away.  Deacon's story resignated with us because at the time Kadan was also two.  How easily could this have been us?  So in an effort to honor this precious boy, we too would have a Deacon, just would spell it a bit different.  And for the middle name we wavered a bit more between Judah and Jesse.  But from the very first day our baby would be called Baby DJ.  Our girl name also had the initials D.J.

We kept this exciting news between ourselves for as long as possible, until a few of my symptoms forced us to tell a couple people.  But for the rest of our friends and family we waited until we were 15 weeks along to share our great news.  Kadan and Jaxan were truly ecstatic, they told us they couldn't wait to hold their new baby!  Jaxan was so proud of his big brother t-shirt and Kadan was busy trying to decide if this baby was a boy or girl.  Dan and I too were just so happy!  We had been praying for guidance since September regarding our family, our desire for more children and the tough choice of adoption verses another biological child.  Jesus answered our prayers and Proverbs 127:3 was reminding us daily of what an awesome gift children are.  On a personal note, I was so overwhelmed by Gods love for me, because only He knew how much I longed for another baby.

February 20th was an unusual day because I attended a Women's Breakfast with a couple of friends of mine.  I had been asked to speak at this conference in place of the amazing Sister (Audrey) Clay.  I am not a speaker at all, but I have also made a decision to obey whatever God asks of me.  The message that Jesus had laid heavy on my heart was simple - if we REALLY love Jesus, then His word tells us to obey him, even the toughest scriptures.  I talked about how at times it is easy to ignore verses like Philippians 4:4 'Rejoice ALWAYS' and Ephesians 5:20 'Give thanks for ALL things, at ALL times'.  I challenged these precious women to join me during Lent to search God's word to remind ourselves of His commands and then to radically obey.  It was a nice morning.

Later that same day, I went for my 18 week appointment with our OB.  I was alone, Dan was very sick, so he stayed with the boys.  Dan had never missed an OB appointment with either Kadan or Jaxan.  I was fine going by myself and honestly thankful that we didn't have to find a sitter.  The nurse began the appointment as usual asking a ton of questions and then listening for the baby's heartbeat.  She had trouble finding it, but said that sometimes the babies can be hiding.  The doctor came in shortly after and said he wanted to listen to the heartbeat before he started the exam.  He went through the same messy steps of lubricating my belly and using the doppler to probe for a heartbeat.  This was my first inclination that something might be wrong.  He asked me to follow him across the hall for an ultrasound.  The Spirit of God began to prepare me during the 30 second walk across the hall.  I remember that my heart was racing, but I remained calm.  In minutes the warm lubricant was smeared on again and then the day changed completely.  The doctor and nurse were silent.  They both just stared at the screen.  I knew exactly what was happening.  I remember longing for Dan and hoping he would walk in the room before either of them spoke.  But the doctor finally began to speak and stutter over his words.  He was trying to tell me that our baby had died, but he was taking so long to say it.  I interrupted him and said, 'Its ok I understand.'  Then he began to rattle off some statistics and talk about my pending miscarriage.  He believed that our baby must have passed away within a few days because my body had not responded yet.  I also confirmed that our baby must have passed away just days prior because I was feeling kicks pretty regularly.  In typical Kayla-fashion, I was busy consoling him and trying so hard to help him not feel bad for delivering such bad news.

I left the office headed for the hospital to do a final ultrasound (which is just a formality).  On the way I called Dan and through my first round of tears I gave him the worst news I have ever spoken to him.  He was so shocked and he kept saying 'What? Are you ok?'  At the hospital I asked the tech if she could print a picture for me before she finished.  She hesitated and asked if I was sure I wanted one.  She didn't understand that this would be my one and only chance to have a picture of our baby.  And with this treasured picture I drove home.

The next couple days were the hardest of my life and grief has a way of causing life to stop.  It also has a way of completely overwhelming you.  At one point I was trying to walk upstairs, half way up I couldn't move and just cried and cried and cried.  Realizing that I would never hold our baby was paralyzing me.  But grief also has a way of attacking and then releasing us.  I have learned to just let the emotions come and before long new emotions usher them out.  This has been comforting to me, because I really don't like to feel sad.  Two days after we learned that Deakan had no heartbeat, I went back to the hospital for a D & C to remove the baby.  To be honest, this was the hardest day of my life and I can't talk about it yet.  Its just a very difficult experience to enter a hospital carrying your child and leave the hospital with an empty womb.  I know that Jesus will heal this part of my story, just as He has so many other parts of my life, so in the meantime I will just choose not to dwell on the tough memories.

Now, its been 3 weeks and I am so thankful for that.  Everyday has felt like a blessing because I am moving further and further away from February 20-22, 2013.  When I allow myself to think back on those horrible days, the emotions can come flooding back and my heart aches so badly.  Certainly, I am still sad, in fact really really sad, but I am also so thankful for my children and trying to focus on the family before me.  At times I feel really alone in my sadness.  Dan is also grieving, but his grief looks different than mine.  And all the time there is a deep longing to hold this little boy.

Despite my heartache there have been Jesus-sightings in my life the past few weeks.  Jesus has been reminding me that ALL IS GRACE and its only by grace that we can even take our next breath.  And with that truth I am so thankful that He blessed us with two amazing little boys already.  He has also reminded me that just like He was 'attended by angels' after He was tempted by Satan, we too have been attended to by the amazing people that have lived out Col.1:27.

So how am I?  I really am ok.  I really have felt the love of Jesus through his people.  I am really thankful and plan to stay that way.  And I also trust that the comforting Spirit of God will continue to heal my heart.  Ultimately I am hopeful that Jesus will use this to fulfill Romans 8:28,29 to make me more like Him which is good despite this hard chapter.

And finally, back to our baby boys name.  I want to share that precious ultrasound picture with you.  Some people say that they knew there child's name when they saw them for the first time.  Deakan means servant and Jesse was King David's father.  In the picture that the ultrasound tech gave us, Deakan appears to resting his head on his hands and his legs are folded underneath his body.  He looks peaceful, but he also looks like he understands his position before God, a position of humbleness and reverence.  When we look at this picture we see a servant leader that is praying before his Creator.  We see a Deakan Jesse, who we long for and love and will always remember as our little boy who lives with Jesus.